6/6/06, 8:32 AM
The last time I had a spiritual assessment of myself was already five or six years ago. At that time, my mind was still a juvenile and I was very much younger at heart so I couldn’t care less about the world around me nor myself. So submitting myself to another one, especially at this stage of my life or the so-called “quarter-life crisis”, was I think very apt. It was actually like a two-day get-away from my many responsibilities as a student and duties as an individual. It was short but I think it was enough to make me realize quite a number of things. In fact, when I finally felt assured and satisfied with all the contemplations I’ve done on the morning of the second day, I couldn’t wait any longer and wanted to go back to the real world already and experiment with the new person I’ve become. That’s how I am. When I discover something new, be it an idea or a material thing, I would always want to try it out right away.
It started out with the big questions for myself. And the biggest of them all is what drives me to work on the things I want to achieve. Perhaps, another way to say it is what inspires me to get to my goals. This might sound a little weird but I honestly think it is my dreams themselves that motivates me. Unlike for some who say that they get their inspiration from a loved one or someone they look up to. For me, it is the life I’ve always imagined if I ever fulfill these big dreams of mine that enthuses me and instigates my will to really work hard for them. After all, my personal motto in life goes like this: When I want something, it takes time but I usually get it. But don’t get me wrong. I have my loved ones and people I look up to. It’s just that I don’t feel like going all sparkly-eyed whenever I think of them as my driving force. Maybe this is the reason why I always found it difficult, if not insensible, to answer the question “who inspires me” when I was a kid.
Next was the moment of thanksgiving. Just a few weeks ago, after the communion rites during a Sunday Mass, a realization struck me. I found myself thanking God even for the littlest of the trivial things I’ve received. For example, drawing Anime-ish characters is one of my hobbies. And whenever I finish a sketch, at the end of the day, I always thank Him for making me create such a wonderful drawing. Or sometimes I have an essay to finish. And when I’m done, I thank him for giving me the intellectual capacity to formulate all those ideas I’ve written down. And probably the most superficial of all is when I finally find an mp3 that is on my most-wanted list. I know it may sound ridiculous but I really thank Him for allowing me to find the song. It was almost spontaneous everytime. Besides, it actually felt good to have someone whom I could express my gratitude to.
Speaking of gratitude, I express my daily thanks to God through a night prayer, which I have memorized in my childhood. When I was young, six or seven years old I think, I found this little prayer book at home that contained all the Catholic prayers, the rosary and mysteries, the Ten Commandments, Stations of the Cross, etc. I even remember being amused when I saw the date it was given to my uncle. If I’m not mistaken, it’s dated March 1963. Apparently, it was a graduation gift from his music teacher, who also became my teacher, by the way. Anyway, it also contained a morning and a night prayer and being the little child that I once was, I decided to keep the prayer book for myself. From then on, I started to say those two prayers at the beginning and end of the day until I’ve memorized both of them.
Then a time came when I eventually got sick of mouthing the same prayer over and over again everyday. Even add to that the fatigue I would get from school and other activities as I grew older. And then that feeling of exhaustion I would always carry upon arriving in the dormitory after a hectic day that the only thing I want to do at that very moment was to simply go straight to bed and nothing else, it completely changed my routine. And so I stopped the daily prayers. It took a while, a year or two I think, before I finally got myself to return to that old habit of praying before I sleep. By the way, this did not happen only once. But what I have really perceived from that experience is that my life, no matter how frenzied it is, seems to be always under control—my control—from the moment that I would resume my praying habit. And during the period when I would forget to thank God, I feel empty. It was like living just for the sake of existing. Believe it or not, I could really tell the difference. God’s presence is indeed full of wonders. And I’ve learned that if I let Him be present in me, I would also be wonderful.
When asked about the one thing I truly pray for, my answer is contentment. But not the kind that one gets upon attaining his goals. If that was the case, then I would stop dreaming. So when I say I want contentment, I mean I want to live my life with no regrets. I’ve made mistakes in the past and I know I could have done better in some instances. But I try not to regret them and as much as possible, I try not to think of them anymore. Instead, I treat them as requirements in molding the person I am now, that they are necessary in their own unique way. Because to be honest, I love the way I am now so I don’t think there’s anything to regret. That’s contentment for me. I’m satisfied with whatever I’ve done in the past, whether good or bad. As for the things I’ve failed to do, that’s what I’m working on at present.
Dolores, City of San Fernando, Pampanga, Philippines
